Going All In

In grad school, we studied the major theorists in the world of psychology. Of course, there was Freud and penis envy, Jung and the collective unconscious, Gestalt and the famous empty chair ... blah, blah, blah. After exposure to the “fathers of psychology” (and a mother or two), my theoretical approach settled on a cognitive behavioral base blending mindfulness, existentialism, coaching, and solution focused techniques – admittedly a hodge podge. For most of you, this is like hearing Charlie Brown’s teacher “Whop, whop, whop whop whop,” which is fine, because the content is not the point. The point is that my official approach includes very little in the Jungian way. That said, since many people associate therapy with Jungian dream analysis, people assume that a psychology degree makes me a dream expert (which is soooo not the case). With this belief, clients periodically tell me about a dream and ask for my interpretation. Instead of revealing that my dream analysis is about as valuable as a newspaper horoscope, and that Jung was a little obscure for the 24-year-old pragmatist I was in grad school, I respond, “What does it mean to you?” I know, so therapisty, but it works!

So, my point in this long introduction is that, if grad school had shared with me the Jung quote a friend shared today, I just might have become a Jungian junkee (or not, again refer to my 24-year-old self). According to Carl Jung, "Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible." Hmm, sharing the important, the inadmissible …  maybe even the unnerving, controversial, unpopular, scary and raw?

Of course, it’s all in the interpretation, but for me, today at least, this quote made me think about how often we interact with people and fill the space with chatter: the safe and familiar, minimally controversial and rehearsed. Those conversations where you hear yourself talking about what you do, asking questions about other people’s jobs, kids, hobbies and the weather (ugh). It’s the cordial exchange of safe information and experiences. It’s detached. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is some value to these conversations, primarily breaking the ice or having something to say at a party with people you’ll never see again. Said small talk also helps determine if you have enough interest in someone to develop a deeper relationship. Unfortunately, some relationships, in fact many, stay stuck at this point. And if there’s nothing more, what IS the point?

The questions I’ve been playing with in my 30s include what happens when we push beyond the comfortable in our relating? Is loneliness really more something we create than something we experience? Do we already have plenty of access to connection, but we just choose to avoid it by prioritizing emotional safety? And what's so great about being safe? What if, instead, we share the things we’ve been told we shouldn’t, the things we’re afraid people will find offensive, disagreeable or ugly? What if we let out that uninhibited side we tucked away at age 7, when we started worrying what others think? If we speak without rehearsal, would it come out wrong, and if it did, would it matter? After all, I always like people more, finding them endearing and honest, when they stumble and let go of being so polished (maybe because I've struggled so much to do it myself, but mostly because it just helps me feel they're accessible).

I agree with Jung’s implied assertion that if we’re courageous enough to talk about what’s really important to us -- the things we fear are inadmissible, the raw, the embarrassing, the triggering, the disowned (revealing the shadow self, as Jung would say) -- we will become known. And in becoming known, even to just a few, we are no longer alone.

Today, the timing was perfect for a test of this hypothesis. I had a lunch with a couple of my newer girlfriends, having just read this texted quote from a friend who definitely knows my shadow self (someone who now lives far away and I miss with great ferocity). These friends have known each other for a while, but I’m still in the friendship-developing phase – brief conversations in passing, sharing texts, fb posts, girls nights and now more extended periods of conversation over lunch and the like. It’s that time where you take it to the next level, or not. With that in mind, I consciously tried to push myself just a little further into the inadmissible. Sure, we started with safe stuff: activities, blogs, using socca as healthier pizza crust, (all of which I thoroughly enjoyed, by the way, and could’ve easily continued the whole hour with pleasure). We then veered a bit into professional goals, and then, BAM! We took a left turn into SEX (the perfect opportunity to go beyond my comfort zone). Granted, at work I talk about graphic sex details without blushing, but when it’s your own life (EEK!), that’s a little different. Anyway, there was some of the safer conversation, but also some of the raw-er, kind-of embarrassing, husbands probably wouldn’t like to know we’re sharing stuff. Granted we only had an hour, so we didn’t go too crazy, and, believe it or not, I do believe in boundaries and building relationships over time. That said, after sharing, I left just a little bit giddy, feeling excited about the progression of these friendships (and their ability to include the real stuff), and less alone in a world with everyone moving, going, doing. Yes, it was validating to laugh over our similar portraits of sex and marriage (a topic I plan to cover soon in my relationship expectation series – stay tuned), but even if there had been more discrepancy, it was freeing. I felt uplifted, connected and joyful because I was all in (kind-of like skinny-dipping… shhh, don’t tell anyone).

So, seven hours later, the high of being known is beginning to wear off. I’ve Googled “Jung shadow self,” and when my eyes aren’t so heavy, my less pragmatic early middle-aged self plans to return for a little “professional development.” As for my personal development, I look forward to another lunch date, and I plan to continue to push myself to go all in (including fighting my hesitation with each blog entry). Here goes!