My plan for Antidote #2 was to focus on perfectionism. As I spent the past two weeks writing and rewriting, I realized, it’s just way too much for one post. So, I resisted my own perfectionistic urges to make it work, and decided instead to table it. Perfectionism will just have to remain a thread through the posts (certainly this one), possibly a future series, and if I ever get beyond outlines and concepts, my ever-developing book. In light of that, I’ve decided to focus this post on a piece of the perfectionistic puzzle - overemphasizing shoulds, and the procrastinator foil -overemphasizing wants.
It’s holiday time, and as we roll into December, I find a dull stress added to the existing to do list. Everywhere I go I’m reminded of the added craziness of holiday schedules, gifts and events. Fewer days in the office, but more clients wanting to get in; kids off from school with errands to run. Combine that with limited daylight and the inevitable holiday illnesses and periodic snow day, and I find myself waffling between filling every 15 minute increment on my Google calendar, or throwing on my sweats and escaping with a movie.
And look, there they are, the two divergent trends in handling to-do lists, that held by perfectionists and that held by procrastinators (and in some unfortunate cases, like mine, a bit of both). Perfectionists tend to make a list, check it twice and get it all done sometimes pushy, sometimes nice. They say yes to everything; they’re hyper responsible, and the first to volunteer. As to do lists start to shrink, don’t put it past a perfectionist to take on another task, or ten. The procrastinator camp tends to do the opposite, they tend to feel overwhelmed by all the shoulds, so they put off everything they need to do in favor of what they want to do, or, in the worst case, in favor of nothing – paralyzed from attempting both wants and shoulds. Then, they either pull it out with the motivation of the last minute pressure, or in more problematic cases, they let things go entirely.
With holiday stuff, the consequences aren’t all that terrible. When the holiday’s over, there’s often exhaustion, maybe some disappointment. But when you take these extreme styles beyond the holidays and into everyday life, they quickly become happiness antidotes. When people try to cross everything off their list, or avoid the list entirely, they find themselves stressed out, resentful, angry, exhausted, guilty, ashamed, struggling with self esteem, lonely, and definitely lacking joy and happiness.
So what’s the answer? As always, the middle path. The reality is we need to feel both productive and responsible AND joyous and relaxed. The wants and shoulds must be balanced to create contentment.
It’s simple but challenging. Consider 10 top tricks:
1) Write down your to do’s. You’ll have more headspace, and you can even set your phone or computer calendar to remind you.
2) Check your list infrequently. Seeing to do’s too often doesn’t tend to increase the odds of them happening and may create unnecessary overwhelm. If you are the type who doesn’t have your to do’s programmed into your schedule, then limit your daily list to three items. Once they’re complete, you can go to your master list and select more, or better yet, use the rest of the day for wants.
3) Prioritize what you really should do and what you really want and consider moving lower priorities to a different “maybe someday when I’m bored and have all the time and money in the world” list. Having the items you are likely never to get to out of sight may make your priority list feel more manageable.
4) Schedule time in your day to complete your “shoulds” and overestimate how long they’ll take. If you’re done earlier than expected, the spare time is your reward. Schedule time for wants as well, typically best after some should items are completed. Today I’ll be tackling garbage/recycling, Bar Method (which is luckily a want and a should), blog post, errands, some holiday shopping and somewhere in there, a latte… and of course, getting my kids ready and to/from school.
5) Consider deadlines. First tackle the items that have hard deadlines, then those with soft (today I paid bills before sitting down to blog), but don’t be afraid to create a “hard” deadline for yourself related to tasks that you would like to get done that repeatedly get pushed down the priority list (this is where my blog and book fit in). The “I want it so I should do it category.”
6) Figure out your task tackling style? Are you motivated by completing the hardest task or the most dreaded task first, or are you more motivated by noticing the size of your list shrink by completing lots of small tasks first? Know this may change from day to day, depending on energy, hormones, weather, whatever.
7) Reward yourself. People generally believe they find joy in doing things they want, but the reality I hear too often is that the joy is squelched by lingering voices in the back of our heads saying we “should” be better using our time with something productive. When you’re indulging a want, give yourself permission to enjoy it (in moderation); if you’re thinking about your shoulds the whole time, it doesn’t count. Some people are better at doing this if the want is the afterword to the should. Others are able to do what they want when it comes up and then feel more focused when they tackle the shoulds (this tends to be a smaller group).
8) Accept that “balance” is also different from person to person. Some follow their body rythms, productive for days, weeks, months or seasons at a time and want focused at other times when they’re feeling less motivated. Others balance each within each day – tasks and rewards in a daily dance. What works for you – again you may need to alter it periodically.
9) Say no to things that are the wants and shoulds of other people that don’t come with your own sense of desire or need. Just because your friend wants you do join her book club doesn’t mean you want to do it. If reading a prescribed book monthly is likely to leave you feeling frustrated or more overwhelmed, maybe you’re better to suggest you find time with your friend that doesn’t require added work.
10) Accept that your list will always be there.
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