Whether your desire is to be kinder, more appreciative, or advance your career, the techniques covered below will apply. Polls indicate, however, that the most common resolutions focus on diet and exercise (and especially this time of year, I relate), so I'll use healthy eating and exercise as my main examples to illustrate the concepts.
While I've been prone over the years to go for drastic, wishful, unmaintainable goals, I've realized with any of these, I quickly give up or feel frustrated. I've learned, I'll never lose 30 pounds, look like a swimsuit model, or pass up the cheesy artichoke dip at a party. Instead, every January provides a chance to "rebalance" in small, realistic and achievable ways.
For one, people tend to believe motivation is what causes action, but in fact, it's the reverse; you have to push through to make change, even white knuckling it initially. Habits form in your brain, and there's lots of dissonance to changing those brain patterns. If you set a large outcome based goal, you'll likely demotivate yourself as you take steps without noticed short-term, outcome based gain. While you can take actions that may make you more likely to lose weight or get a promotion, you ultimately can't control all the factors that make that happen (like genetics, your colleague who's more senior, etc). You might take every step possible and still not lose that 30 pounds.
Take going to the gym, most people who don't exercise regularly don't feel great when they start. It's intimidating with all those little Lululemon clad bodies; you hurt afterward, and initially it makes you tired and hungry. If you start your health kick with an outcome goal of weight loss, you'll likely give up within the first two weeks. And since they say a habit takes about 21 days to make or break (longer for the engrained bad habits), it's critical to set yourself up for success those first few weeks.
For this reason, focus on process goals. Rather than "lose 20 pounds," set goals like, "eat more greens," "workout xx days/week," "avoid sugar xx days/week." With process goals, you have power over whether you meet your goal, and you can measure your tangible progress even the first day. The competence of moving toward your goals will motivate you during those first few weeks when you don't feel intrinsically motivated. Then, during that initial period, you'll begin to feel changes in yourself; with exercise, you'll likely notice sleeping better, your loosening clothes, and improved mood and energy level. By the end of those three weeks, the intrinsic motivation will compel you to continue, either maintaining or building upon your initial goals. (This is where you can start to think big).
Other outcome to process goal examples:
Instead of "Get a promotion," try "Take daily steps toward skill acquisition."
Instead of "Be kind," try "Ask someone 'how are you' and really listen to the answer."
Instead of "Be patient," try "Start my day with one minute of breathing and repeat when stressed."
On to part two of the goal setting trinity, be realistic. One way to be realistic in goal setting is to set shorter term goals that you can build upon, like moving from a goal of three days per week of exercise your first month (if you're someone who's starting from nothing or less frequent) to four to six days over time. Again, this will help you maintain motivation as you move from month to month, seeing your process improve. In fact, some people are better to keep the smaller, realistic goals indefinitely - like three to four days of exercise; then they feel extra accomplished on those weeks when exceed their goals.
That leads to perhaps the most important piece to realistic goal setting: knowing your style. Are you someone who does best with a firm line in the sand or do you prefer more permeable rules? There is no RIGHT solution, only what works for you. Some people are better at meeting goals if they start black and white for few weeks to develop better habits, and then begin to experiment with grey area later (like a meal or day a week that isn't so healthy). Others feel so deprived with that approach that they fail within weeks if they start too black and white; in that case, a weekly day off from the get-go may be something to try. And sometimes, what works changes over time, circumstances or the type of resolution.You don't hear many smokers successfully set moderation goals because of the nature of nicotine and its associated cravings (same for alcoholism and substance dependence in general). With sugar, some (like me) are more successful to follow indulgence with a period of detox, and then general moderation.
When it comes to things like being kind or grateful, there's less need for black and white detox periods because you're mostly increasing good behavior until it becomes habitual, so every little bit is improvement. With goals like those, it's most important to be realistic in recognizing that your brain won't make an immediate shift, so you have to practice reminding yourself daily of your ability to behave kindly or gratefully until it becomes second nature.
Lastly, make sure your goal is achievable. Obviously picking something small and realistic is part of whether your goal is achievable, but many of the obstacles in achieving your goals are related to poor planning. Before you start, ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" If you can remind yourself of your family history of heart disease and your desire to be there for your kids' college graduation, it'll make it easier to resist that cigarette. Or, if someone's pissing you off and you remember that you feel better when you're kind and forgiving, it'll make it easier to let it go. Even if it's just vanity and you want to rock that bikini at Spring Break, another day on the elliptical will be easier. You want to be able to remind yourself along the way that you chose to make this change, helping the hard work feel worth it. And, in case it's not obvious, "someone else thinks I should" is never a good reason.
Next, recognize your potential pitfalls and work around them. For example, if you're heading out of town or have multiple events to go to, that might not be the best time to start a cleanse. Things like New Years, Lent and birthdays provide common markers for goal setting, but in reality, a goal's start date is critical and these common ones may not be best for you. If you rush into a start date without preparation or pick one that has glaring conflicts, you're setting yourself up for failure. In the same breath, there's never a great time to start anything hard, so you sometimes have to bite the bullet. In either case, ask yourself whether there's a modified plan you can start soon, ramping up later. For example, maybe January starts with increasing exercise (making room for that night out with friends or Superbowl party indulgence) and then you begin your eating changes in February. You don't want to end up in the large group that's given up by Valentine's Day because you haven't been realistic about your ramp up process.
And don't forget to ask honestly, how much am I willing to change (or not)? While your friend may enjoy spending hours researching and testing healthy recipes, you may feel like cooking is punishment and prefer to get your greens with simple add almond milk and mix shakes. It may not be ideal, but it's improvement. Or, maybe you're someone who needs three to four longer days at the gym, because more than half your evenings at the gym feels like too much of a sacrifice in terms of your free time or your work/family schedule. Maybe you get bored with yoga and one day a week gives you enough zen to carry through the week amidst your other cardio endeavors. Be careful about comparisons; what works for someone else is often helpful as a starting point, but ultimately each of us has to find ways to achieve goals within our own lives. After all, we are working toward behavioral change, but our general tendencies, ways of thinking and personality don't shift all that much.
Speaking of friends, while your goal is your own, planning ahead and doing it with someone will greatly improve the likelihood you'll achieve your goals. It's positive peer pressure. Whether it be a friend, spouse, support group (there are lots online), or therapist, having someone other than you who knows what you're working on will help you resist the tendency to rationalize sabotaging behavior or flat out give up. If you are working on similar goals, it's also helpful to commiserate - in the "I want a cheeseburger too, let's go for a walk and then get a smoothie instead" way, not the "great, F this; cheeseburgers here we come!" Look for people who are willing to push you a little; hopefully you'll remind each other of your goals and be encouraging when you fall off the wagon.
And most importantly, before you start, think about how you'll get back on track when you have a bad day. This is where the true psychology of goal setting comes in. There's plenty to talk about behaviorally, but what about handling the mess that goes on in our heads when we're working to change. When you're so sick of protein shakes that you binge on a cheeseburger, will you sulk in regret and shame and use it as an excuse to give up, or will you chalk it up as a blunder and get back to your goals? Will you beat yourself up for "failures," or will you be willing to notice the pattern and modify your goals so that you can actually maintain them? Maybe you need to just go to the gym and get started, even when you don't feel like it, with the option of stopping early (which usually doesn't happen once you get started). Usually, repeated failure in achieving goals means they weren't small or realistic enough to begin with, or you may have to get creative about helping yourself meet them. I can't tell you how many times people have laughed at the trivial ideas of putting the alarm clock across the room or putting their gym bag by the front door the night before to help get them out of bed and to the gym in the morning, but it works. Little changes make a big difference in achieving your goals.
For me, it's about mostly moderation (redundant? oxymoron? maybe but it works). In other words, I know my general life is moderate, but I find joy in indulgence at times, and have to involve a couple deprivation type cleanses once or twice a year to detox from said indulgence. Now, you may be saying, that's not "moderation" at all if you're including both indulgence and deprivation, and maybe it's not, but I know I can't survive full indulgence (nor would I enjoy it if it were constant), and full deprivation is just too much. So my "small, realistic, achievable" includes a handful of extremes and most of the time in the middle, and with this mostly moderate approach, I manage to generally avoid the guilt and frustration associated with indulgence and deprivation (respectively) because both are short and generally planned (mostly).
And when it's a goal outside of healthy eating, it means making small measurable changes, being realistic about what I will do, and preparing myself to achieve through the psychological ups and downs of change ... day in and day out over the long haul.
So, to me, and all of us, happy resolutions!
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NOTE: With more engrained patterns including substance abuse, process addictions (gambling, shopping, sex, etc), eating disorders, and the like, professional help (therapy or treatment programs) and/or 12-step programs can be very helpful. Some changes are too big to make without structured support. If you fall in these categories, while these tips will apply, they won't be enough. Get additional help.
Find information and resources at National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).
Find a therapist at Psychology Today or by calling your insurance provider.
Start planning to stop smoking at Smoke Free.
Find 12-step addiction support with Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous.
Access treatment programs through your insurance provider or through NAMI.
Gabling treatment is covered in many states by free state programs as part of their agreement to have gambling facilities in the state.
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